Yes Adam Cry For Your Pride
I love sports. I have the sports that I watch and the teams I support and those that i loath, just like any other true fan. But I'm sorry things are out of hand people place the blame for this dissatisfaction on im-purification of athletics by business interests and money. I don't care just somebody fix it or I while continue to write about it here so our vast reading base can mobilize and do real damage, really.10. Lebron-izification:
Frankly Lebron is a great player I will not argue that but he is no deity. I watch a lot of Sports Center, read a lot of ESPN, and watch a good deal of NBA games and everyone acts as if this guy were the second comming. "He's not even human" reports one, "He makes the league function" says another" "I just want to drink his sweat" a third okay maybe that last one is made up, but you get the idea. The league the media and really everyone else coddles him and considers everything he does to be beyond belief. Even the refs are in on this action look lebron ive seen the crab dribble, clever, even some of your "amazing" layups. Ive seen plays like this before though. So then why is Lebron famous while all these others great layups are yet to be shown on sports center (including my amazing 1999 layup in double overtime against the Bowdish Rockets)? Simple, they're traveling the other refs simply had the loinal capacity to make the call. Refs seem to want amazing things to happen as badly as anyone else they know Lebron has made some great plays before, they skirt him a few more.
My research into the matter started in the Cavs v. Blazers game played a few weeks ago here in the city of roses when Lebron plowed over a Portland defender to get to the basket, this particular defender had been planted in the spot long enough to set up a full fledged game of solitare but yet was called for blocking for his disgusting audasity to play defence against "King" James. This was only over shadowed when a few moments later James placed his foot firmly in the rectum of Joel "the Ghost Faced Killa'" Prybilla to get an extra few feet on his jump to the basket while also administering a fine formed bitch slap to the face of Brandon Roy all while biting an unsuspecting Sergio Rodregez. Shocked, Nate (blazer coach) complained to the ref to which he responded "I dunno I had a good view of it, looked clean but I'll keep an eye on it for the remaining 30 seconds of the game" reliable sources (my own selective memory of the game) testify otherwise.
Lebron is not the only one either Kobe, KG, and selected others get this treatment as well. Look I think we hold these gifted players to a higher standard they can take it and still get their 30 a game. Also so what Kobe and Lebron dropped 113 combined against the Knicks in 2 games the Knicks are the worst crash in NY this year that doesn't involve a Bird (it can't be too soon, everyone is okay). Now Travis Outlaw getting an assist, thats news.
worst offender:The NBA
2. Super Bowl Commercials:
Too many over priced, bland, and frankly not very good commercials. People you paid millions just for the time at least make me remember you. Instead you pay millions in production of commercials then millions more for the time and then I forget you faster then Arizona's defenders forgot what the point of football is (too soon, but funny). Other then movie previews I remember 2 commercials from the last two years fondly. The first, the e-trade baby commercials the second, the Doritos one where the guy throws the thingy at the vending machine. Both hilarious both done with a production values that I could probably cover. For crying out loud I think there should be a person who previews all the commercials and deems them worthy of being presented. This "comissioner of da' funny" can take all of those considered un worthy and remake them him or herself. If I were commissioner this last year say goodbye to those abhorant Sobe comercials and replaced with the Hampster Dance hamsters dancing then taking a "refreshing" (does anyone not feel sick after a sobe?) drink of Sobe just to return to the same crappy dance as before sweet maybe not as funny as I think it is, but hell, at least its more honest.
Its entertaining for me to think that this years best commercial, the Dorito one, was made by a couple of nobodies with an idea then won a contest with it....take that marketing bastards.
Worst Offender: Go Daddy.com
3: Any salary more then 7 digits long:
I mean really I understand that you want your fair share but after making more money than I am likely to see in my life, in one year I think you should really stop caring. Arod makes 27.5 Million a year, Manny wants 25 mill why? Do you have to feed your flock of Tyrannosaurus Rexi lobster fed cattle? Lebron wants to play in New York so he can be more marketable, dude you are already the most marketable person on the planet not named Jesus and Lebron you can't beat his longevity. I say that we set an automatic limit of all pro salaries at 10 mill (still a little gross but Im willing to take it) then an independent arbitrator decides where between the minimum and the maximum you will sit at next year then all the teams willing to pay that contact the athlete, then he decides where he wants to play. This way its not just money, a guy has to actually make a choice about where he will play. It also means that everyone has a shot at getting the big shot free agent. And as for marketing, a cap on that as well. The players union would go bonkers but Its my blog so Im gonna fiat that.
Worst Offender: A-Rod and Scott Borus
4: The Pro Bowl:
Does anyone really care about this? I mean come on
Worst Offender: NFL announcers
5: The DH Debate:
Now Im going to lay this out, i have no issue with the Designated Hitter rule, I hate the debate about it. Yes in the NL pitchers hit and it will occasionally make the manager be more strategic and yes the AL has a guy in the line up whos sole job is to hit which takes out the pathetic pitcher at bats we see 2 or 3 times a game thus making the game a bit more exciting in some ways. No one is not better then the other they are just different which they have the right to be because they are different leagues. Does it cause interesting situations when teams in one league play teams from another? Yes, but thats not bad, I mean God forbid that when you go to the world series you may have to make adjustments, who should have to do that?
Worst Offender: The annoying NL fan sitting next to you at the bar during any interleague series
6: Competitions that are not sports calling themselves sports:
I am not an athlete I'm small, mostly slow, and have no real skills, I drive about 100 miles a week though, yet this does not make me an athlete. Take note NASCAR drivers I can admit it its your turn. Are you good drivers sure, but so are truck drivers I don't see anyone in line to call them athletes you're cars do all of the moving and they are machines so it is a match up between machines built by engineers maintained and tweaked by mechanics. Your sport is more comparable to Battlebots a show where geeks would build robots in their garage then battle them in a plexiglass cube in a show featured on Comedy Central, then the the most questionable real sport which is anything involving riding a horse cuz at least there a living creature is doing something. Look maybe it involves fast reactions, strategy and desire but so does your local Halo tournament are you ready to call them athletes?
ESPN has however taken the cake in this department with their never ending insistence on calling the world series of poker a sporting event. Im pretty sure this happened when some NASCAR fans said "Ya know NASCAR has gotten just too active and too interesting we need to slow it down a bit" thus we get this piling heap of sleaze and pointlessness.
Worst offender: Spelling Bees
7. Terrible hair:
Yes you are an athlete, sweet; you play a game for a living, nice; you have enough money to hire a personal army to rival that of Lesotho, radical; you get more ass than a toilet seat despite having the hair sense of a caveman, huh? Exactly.
Just because you are a professional athlete it is not okay to give the middle finger to years of our style development. There are too many athletes with long hair ya know you sweat a lot, and you thus look really gross. Additionally mullets worn today are not cool, even if you are wearing it ironically it is shameful. You guys are role models, act like that. Ask yourself would i want to see an army of 8 year olds to have my haircut and if the thought makes you a bit sick, get a hair cut.
Oh don't you start giggling facial hair Im on to you too. Chops, goatees longer then the nile are not okay, they do not scare your opponents, they make your opponents laugh at you and I think we can all agree that not a good thing. I've noticed the neck beard has made an appearance in modern sports for those of you who dont know the neck beard is facial hair that grows only underneath the jaw line. You see this is gross and is shameful to all men, and bearded women. Greg Oden realized this and shaved his off, thank you Greg.
Worst Offender: Adam Morrison
8. Boston Sports Fans
I will start out by saying there are many Boston Sports fans I have no problem with those who have been routing for the Patriots since the Drew Bledsoe days, Red Sox fans who have been praying for a win since Troy Oleary patrolled their outfield and the Celtics fan that has been their since Larry Bird waiting for a man on the team they can remember. But since these three teams have all had runs at success in the last half decade plus "fans" have come out of the woodwork to be really annoying. Sox fans stop buying all of the tickets to your opponents home games, there are wage workers here who would like to take their families to a game every now now and again without you driving up ticket costs so much that they need a second mortgage just to see a Red Sox home game away from Boston. Additionally you have the second highest payroll, are no longer the loveable misfits but are now instead the team everyone else hates not only because we are tired of hearing about you but also because you the fans are so obniviously persistent that they are the best and have to convince everyone within ear shot that you should have won every game if not for an injury or an inhuman performance by an opponent (including having sold ones soul seriously, a Sox fan was pretty damn sure Felix Hernandez sold his soul to satan to one hit them). Congratulations you are the new Yankees.
Patriots fans. you used to be fine like any other NFL fan patient and devoted but now with the swelling of your ranks you are the elephant in every room, and this elephant smells kinda funny. So you win a few superbowls well done. What i need the fans to figure out is that my routing against your team does not mean I am jealous of Tom Brady. I have grown from indifference about the Pats to hatred solely because of the lovefest and Godlike reverence that surrounds this guy. He is indeed a talented quarterback but one who is at risk of being overrated due to the extremely talented receiving core he has always had around him and also receives the benefit of the doubt because he is a pretty boy who dates models. I do not wish to be him because i do not wish to be a man who leaves his pregnant girl friend to date another model just to cry when Im not allowed to see the kid after essentially wishing the mother the best of luck on that whole pregnancy thing poor form Tom poor form.
And the Celtics, i Used to feel bad for you. Your team just sucked and now youre good well done you waited it out but at what cost? Class, that was the cost. You now have a team that leads the league in technical fouls and have the largest group of cry babies, trash talkers and flat out bastards in the league. I saw Kevin Garnet get on all fours and bark like a dog at a rookie while winning by 20 points why? Cuz he's an ass. This is what you root for. Lock it up Boston otherwise you're gonna make the Jail Blazers of a few years back look cuddly.
worst offenders: Red Sox Fans
9. Terrel Owens:
Hes an ass and he has my initials this association with him makes me sick. I hate this guy.
Worst Offender: T.O.
10. The San Francisco Giants:
I am a Dodgers fan thats the first problem. Next these guys are the epitome of everything that has been wrong with baseball for the last decade. Over reliance on one talented but roided player who is clearly about to lose it. "Well Tyler, what happens when that guy gets into legal trouble and can't play anymore?" "Well one of our hundreds of devoted readers lets hope that doesn't happen."
"But he will get too old what happens then?"
"Haha, well lets hope that doesn't happen"
"But if it does?"
"Well, We'll just rely on our other players former All Stars that are but a shadow of the players they used to be forcing the few talented youngsters that we have to drown in self loathing and pity amid over aged over priced hacks"
"Oh"
Man I hate those guys
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